The Invisible Hell

Sometimes, it is really weird the way "inspiration" for writing comes to me. I can't just pick up my laptop and start typing. It just hits me and I feel deeply about a topic and I open the laptop and let my fingers roll. Well I just found out that one of my favorite actors has died. He has apparently committed suicide. Quickly, my own life long struggles with depression came flooding back. The memories of the pain, the suffering, the "I'm so alone" feeling.

I don't normally discuss extremely personal topics online. However, in this case, I feel like if I can lift up just one person suffering from this illness, then talking about my personal journey is worth putting it out there.

I remember the feeling of sadness for no obvious reasoning behind it, at a young age. I didn't know what was wrong, I was just sad and would cry for absolutely no reason. I remember the feeling starting around age 10. It wasn't a "normal" sadness, like I am punished, or I can't have ice cream type of sad. I would literally start crying out of the blue because I just simply felt sad.

As I got older,I felt very angry towards life. Again, I don't know why. I felt down a lot. Don't get me wrong, my mother provided me with a decent life. She gave my brother and I what she could. There were a lot of happy moments. But what non depression sufferers don't understand, is having a "happy" life really has nothing to do with depression and how we feel.

Depression is an inner pain, almost like you have the flu but inside of your soul. You ache so bad inside but do not want people to know. I felt so embarrassed to tell anyone. I remember so many times over the years just laying in bed and crying and wishing I would not wake up the next day. When I was 16, I attempted suicide. I took probably about 75 ibeprofin pills. Luckily, it just made me vomit excessively and did no damage to my body........and I survived.

I never knew how to explain how I felt. I was just simply "sick" inside. I hurt for no reason, I cried for no reason. After I gave birth to my first child, I suffered from what is called "Post Partum Depression". I was young and had absolutely no clue what was "wrong" with me. I HATED life and I HATED people. The only love I felt was for my baby.

I did not actually seek professional long term help until I was 29. I suffered for 19 years of depression. I did not understand what was happening to me. I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't know how to explain it and when I could I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to say that I hated myself, that I hated life, that at times I wish I would have died. It is an illness that a lot of people may not even know they are suffering from. I know I didn't even know I was suffering from it for the longest time. I just "coped" and floated along in life.

When I was 29, I had finally said something to my primary care doctor. I remember telling him I am just sad and that some days I cannot deal with life. He prescribed me a medicine that actually helped a good amount. Eventually my husband and I both went to therapy together for close to 2 years and I am still on medication.

Life doesn't have to be sad. You do NOT have to hurt or suffer from this debilitating disease. There is hope and there is help. I know for so many years, I did not know what was going on. I felt ashamed. Some people I believe do not seek help for the same reasoning I didn't. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be made fun of for having to be on medication or to go see a "shrink". Society gives us an expectation of how we "should" or "need" to be. People are made to feel like if they do not meet those expectations of what "normal" is, then they will be branded, put down, disliked, etc.

I am a firm believer of mental health therapy and medications for mental health diagnosis. The two combined do an amazing wonder for a person. They have worked magic in my life. I do not ever remember being this happy in life. My sadness had nothing to do with how I was raised. My mother was a great mother to us. I don't know why I suffer from Chronic Depression. But there is help and I promise you, the help is worth it. Seeking help has opened up opportunities for myself that I could have never imagined. I have confidence in myself. I have courage to go for what I want in life, to take chances. I would have never been able to do that in the past.

So as I bring this post to a close, please if you are feeling ill inside, seek help. You are not any less of a person for seeking the help and you are not alone. There is so much out there for this illness, to fight it. There is no need to suffer the pain that I did for so long. Please seek help.

As for everyone else who is blessed enough to not have to go through this, please be mindful of your actions towards other people. Most people you cannot even tell by looking at them, that something is wrong with them. Depression is considered one of the "Invisible Disabilities". You cannot see it and the suffering person may look very happy but may be going through a great battle inside of themselves. Please choose your words kindly.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who you suspect of suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, please please seek help for them. Some are not as strong as I was and wouldn't seek help on their own. There are organizations and medical facilities that you can contact as a concerned family member or friend, who will intervene and help.

Suicide is preventable and Depression is treatable. Please take the steps. Life is so beautiful and everyone has the power to enjoy it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Open 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week