Back to school for a child with special needs.......and the parent too

I hear and see so much happiness about back to school from parents. They are so happy to have their children out of the house during the day. It means a cleaner house, lower daycare bills, free time for stay at home moms, etc. All of which I totally understand. 

It is so much different for a parent of a child with special needs.  My son is 7 years old. Days become so stressful for him, and me. Tears flow almost on a daily basis for us, anxiety heightens for both of us, he has many sleepless nights which means no sleep for me. It is such a struggle to simply get him out of the bed. I see his entire demeanor change when school is in session.

Back to school is so emotional for both of us. I worry so badly for him. He runs out of classrooms, hides under the teachers desk, asks why everyone hates him, has hit his teacher, we are expected to make him stop his self soothing mechanism of making repetitive sounds because "it bothers other students".

As a matter of fact, I hate sending my son to school. I cry over it. I feel like I am sending him into the lions den to be destroyed on a daily basis but by law there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

We had back to school night last week so the students could meet their new teachers. The teacher seems knowledgeable of special needs. I was on the brink of tears being there because I knew what is in store for another year of school for my child. Thankfully she seems to understand.  She even offered me her cell phone number. I really hope that was a sign that this year will be much better than the past two school years.

So when a parent is actually upset about back to school, when they seem to stand out, don't automatically think they are lazy or bad parents. You never know what they could be going through, or more importantly,  you may not know what the child is going through......especially since the child looks "normal".

Believe: Things Will Work Out

At a church service, our pastor told the congregation to pick a word for the entire year. A word that will mean something to you. It could only be one word. It had to be a word that you would remember and could associate into your life. My mother chose the word, "Believe".

So often in life we become overwhelmed and distraught. Circumstances sometimes get the best of us. We don't know where to turn or what to do. These emotions can take a toll on us. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I am a sufferer of panic attacks. When I worry too much, I will have a panic attack. They are not fun at all. Worrying and being overwhelmed, is what usually triggers my panic attacks. I worry about everything. I then will start having pains in my left chest wall and in the middle of my back. When I inhale, it feels like someone is stabbing me in my heart. My left arm will begin to hurt. Sometimes they last only a few moments and other times they can last up to an hour.

I try to calm myself, use breathing techniques, pray, meditate, sleep, or spend some time on my hobby. Those things usually help get my mind off of the current issues causing my worrying.

Life is far from easy. There is such a struggle daily just to get through the days sometimes for a lot of people in the world. Whether its your job, your marriage, finances, a sick family member, your children, personal health issues, etc. Or it could be all of the above. Just know, each day is a fresh start for all of us.

My mother chose the word "Believe", for her own reasoning. However, even though "Believe" is her word, I find myself thinking about it quite often and associating her word with my life. When I become overwhelmed or worried, I remind myself to "Believe". I need to believe that things will always work out. That no matter what each day brings, it is for a purpose. If it is a bad event, I am sure that it is for a reason, to teach me, to mold me, to guide me to where I need to be in life. I believe in this! Each day brings new hope for each of us. I believe that each day is a fresh start, a clean canvas. If something didn't work out yesterday like you had hoped, then it just wasn't meant to be, or maybe your life lesson wouldn't have been fully learned by going that route. So maybe on your new day, you just go at it differently.

We all have to believe that life will work out for us. Each bad experience is a learning lesson. If you take from it something, then it was not a waste of time. Just keep the hope that everything does happen for a reason to guide us and that if we keep believing and having hope, you will be just fine in life.

Giving Up is NOT an Option

Sometimes no matter how positive I am, I struggle mentally to keep the positive thoughts. Some days seem like everything is hitting me at once.  I feel under water with no chance of a breath of air. Feeling alone is the worst.

Have you ever felt like this? Im sure you have. Everyone does at some point.  It's just that some people handle it a little easier than others do. Some feel like its the end of the world. Some crawl into bed and have a good cry. Some eat comfort food.....or maybe all of the above.

Have you ever felt like life was beating you down so much that you just cant push on any further? Yeah, me too. I'm a cryer.  Its ok to have your moment, its ok to be a positive person but have a bad day. Its really ok to feel like giving up. But as long as you don't. 

Think of all of the goals and dreams you have. The hopes that you have for yourself.  Use those thoughts to push on. Life is never perfect but one thing it has taught me is that the harder I have to work for something,  the more I seem to enjoy the reward.

When you change your thinking, you change your outcome.  If you constantly think "why me", "I have a black cloud over my head", you will never rid yourself of that black cloud that you claim to have. Gain a positive attitude about life. You are strong! You will make it! If you fail, it's ok, just try it a different way the next time.

You can't give up, your destiny is waiting for you.  So get up and go at life full speed ahead and give it your everything.  Bill collectors may knock on your door but success and happiness won't. 

10 Reasons Why A Mother is Always Late

I am a mother of 3 children. My life is always hectic. With this hectic life, I find myself ever so fashionably late to EVERYTHING.  My family even jokes with me about my lack of consciousness for time.

Whenever I am late,  I usually just laugh it off with everyone else and most of the time I do not provide an excuse for the people who find my time keeping skills comical. So I have made a list of some reasons why I am late.  I can only imagine that I am not the only mother out there who experiences these reasons.

1) Poop: Thats right, you read it correctly.  POOP.....poop makes me late. Well not my poop, but my kid's poop. It never fails. On our way out the door, someone always has to poop. Either it's the baby, and of course I can't leave her in a dirty diaper. Or it's my son who mysteriously all of a sudden has the uncontrollable urge to poop NOW or he will poop in his pants.

2) Shoes: No matter how many times I say "get your shoes on", even if they are on, they not only are back off when it's time to leave but at least one shoe magically morphed into a black hole and is no place to be found (maybe it's the secret silverware and spoon black hole).

3) Clothes: My children eat non stop. This is the biggest expense in our home. I will purposely wait until about 10 minutes before it is time to go to have the kids put on the clothes I have picked out for them.  However, 10 minutes is still enough time to manage to cake on an entire meals worth of food and/or juice. Even after they have already eaten. So they need to change clothes yet again.

4) The "I Forgot": You have everything packed, have went over it three times to be sure that you have everything for the kids. As you are putting the kids into the SUV, you check a fourth time and realized either you forgot something or a child has taken it out in between the 3rd and 4th check.

5) Teeth: I will tell my kids to go brush their teeth. I make sure they go upstairs to do so and then I continue to do what I need to do. I hear them arguing,  so I yell a reminder up the steps. It is about time to leave and as I am running down the checklist,  the kids have forgotten to brush their teeth. It seems as though arguing has become more important than oral hygiene. 

6) More Poop: Our family has 2 dogs. We let them outside frequently.  While I am getting ready, I will have my oldest take the dogs outside.  When we are ready to go, one of the dogs just has to go back out. They can't just finish their business and come back in. It has to be a 5 step process. Walk around, sniff, poop, walk in circles, finish pooping.

7) Starvation: The definition of starvation in our home is a definition of it's own. My children eat 3 meals a day. In between if they do not have multiple snacks, they will "starve".  So on our way out the door, the two oldest have to run to the cabinet and grab a few snacks each, just in case. Just in case we are gone a half hour longer than expected and they start the "im starving" process.

8) Melt Downs: My 7 yr old has invisible disabilities.  Some days his anxiety is very bad about leaving the house and he has a meltdown.  So in trying to make sure everyone has pooped (including the fur children), we have everything we need (including starvation preventative materials), clean clothes and clean teeth, I have to put on the therapist hat and calm my son down enough to leave.

9) Kisses and Hugs: This is the sweetest reasoning to be late. If I am going someplace with no children, I will have to give them 5 kisses and hugs each per their request. Then as I am about to walk out of the front door, they require another round of hugs and kisses. Also, they argue with each other because each has to be the last person to hug and kiss Mommy.

10) Gas: I am always rushing from point A to point B and always forget to stop to get gas or put it off. So when I need to leave the next day, and am already late for reasons above, I become even more late due to having to stop for gas.

I hope everyone found some humor in this list.  I know at the moment these items are not funny but as I was writing them, I couldn't help but to laugh and be amused.

Conceited or Confident?

I have recently lost 45 pounds. I am very proud of myself for giving life to 3 beautiful babies and yet managing to lose weight and still feel beautiful.  I like to look nice, do my hair, wear jewelry and occasionally have a pedicure or my nails done as a reward for all of my hard work as a mother and woman.

A few people over the past few months have called me high maintenance and conceited.  At first I became slightly upset. I mean I go out of my way to help others, I try to encourage others and uplift them. So I didn't understand how I would be considered high maintenance or conceited. 

Then it dawned on me that this is simply another way for people to attempt to bring you down or to rain on your parade. There are way too many people (men and women) in this world who have been affected by our social media.  You know, the photoshopped pictures of flawless bodies. Not once ounce of fat or cellulite on their body, perfect hair, no wrinkles.

I pondered more on this, which made me pay even more attention to the way people around me view themselves.  It was very upsetting. So I am here to say that everyone has beauty. Some people will try to bring you down because they are not happy with themselves. 

There has to be one thing about yourself that you love. It may not necessarily be a physical feature. But maybe something that you have obtained in life that you are proud about. Take that one quality that you love about yourself and think about it everyday.  I guarantee that you will start thinking about and finding other features about yourself that you love.

When you reach the point of loving yourself inside and out, don't allow anyone to take it from you. It is not being conceited.  It is being proud of who you are in life. We all need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else.  Once you find that love within, everything else will fall into place.

So go on, show off your confidence!

Make Your Dreams Come True

Do you have a dream of some sort. A dream of something that you want for yourself. It could be anything.  A college degree,  buy your first house, owning your own business, being debt free, etc. Have you done anything to work towards this dream?

Your dream, no matter what it is, is obtainable if you set your mind to it. But you need to start today if you haven't already. Just one task a day would allow you to be closer to your dream as each day passes.  Even if it is one positive thought like, "I can do this".

There will always be someone in your life who will question your tactics or criticize what you are doing.  This person could even be yourself causing that self doubt.  Don't allow anyone to hold you back, not even yourself. Push through the negativity.  Imagine where our world would be if everyone gave up because there was someone who thought they were crazy for going for their dream. Oprah Winfrey had stated that her grandmother had taught her the ways of becoming a housekeeper as a child. Oprah knew thats not what she wanted for herself. So she pushed through all of the odds in her life. Look at the sensation she has become for so many people in the world.

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a motivational speaker.  He had asked the singer/artist "50 Cent", when did he have time to sleep. The singer responded with, "I didn't sleep".  If you want something bad enough in life, you will do everything you can and work as hard as possible to achieve it.

So push those self doubts out of your mind, ignore the critics,  and work hard. It is never too late to start working towards that goal. Start today. This day, hour, and minute will never come again. So don't waste it.

You can do it!

Remember, It's Only Temporary

We all have struggles in life. Some are minor, some are drastic. Some struggles seem to ourselves that there just couldn't be anyone who would ever understand what you are feeling or experiencing currently. But truth is, we have all been there, we have all experienced it. We have all hurt, we have all stressed, we have all had money problems at one point, etc. During those struggles or negative emotions that I have experienced, I have found the thought enter my mind of "This will never go away" or "Why me?". Struggling is a part of life. However, you do not have to unpack and stay there. You can make the situation temporary. Have your breakdown moment, cry, be mad, scream, whatever it is that will make you feel better. Then pick yourself back up. Life keeps moving regardless of where each of us are currently. The world will keep turning, everyone else will go on each day, the time will keep ticking. It is our job, for ourselves, to fix ourselves. You are capable of it. You are capable of being happy and enjoying life. As that time keeps ticking, keep in mind, "this too shall pass". It will pass, I promise. What you should do, is make that negative an inspirational positive. Use it to learn from. Each of my experiences have made me stronger. I used to be a quiet, extremely shy person. I would never even think about talking unless being spoken to. I also never stood up for myself, I never stood out. I was the type of girl in school that quietly sat in the back of the classroom. I worried what others would think, would I say the wrong thing, would I upset someone, would I embarrass myself? That is no way to live. Each of my negative experiences have pushed me a little further in life. They have helped me to come out of my shell. I am now nothing like what I was in high school. I stand up for what I believe, I say what I feel, I do not care what others think about me. I go for what I want and what I deserve in life. You are capable of anything you put your mind to. However, if you keep a negative attitude, I promise that you will be blind to the what each circumstance has to teach you. If you are struggling financially, take from it the learning experience of when things finally work out for you, the appreciation of staying humble. You have been at the bottom, you know what it feels like. Stay humble, don't put yourself above others because you have a higher financial status. If your marriage ends, pick yourself up and move on. Take from it the thought of what you can change about yourself or the type of person that you need/want to be with in the future to make your life positive and happy. Every experience is only temporary, so make it a learning opportunity. It does not last forever and reminding yourself of what you have learned will help you to understand why life brought you down that road, which will help you to recover. Stay strong.

Your Child is What?: The Journey of a Special Needs Mother

Any mother knows that "mother's instinct" feeling. The feeling that something is just off. Even if it is your first child. A mother has that gut feeling when something just isn't right concerning their child. It's a feeling that you cannot get rid of until the situation is corrected or faced.

When my son was about 2 years old, I started having that gut feeling. He became attached to his bottle. It was an unusual attachment. He would hug the bottle even when nothing was in it. I brushed that off to every child is different. My oldest, my son's older sister, was off of the bottle by her first birthday. But again, I kept reminding myself that every baby is different.

As some time went on, my son's 3rd birthday came. He still was not talking. He would grunt and reach for things but not ask for them. He did say a few words like mama and dada, but would not talk anymore than that. Finally around 3-1/2 he started talking more and then around 4 he was finally speaking in full sentences. He still was not using the correct context of words, but he was talking. I had brought this up to my son's pediatrician for a couple of years. The pediatrician kept saying things like "he is a boy", "he is stubborn", and so did others around me as well. So I let it go but still could not let go of that gut feeling that I just knew something was off.

My son started Kindergarten and could not even recognize his own name. By this point, my oldest not only could recognize her name, but could write it and spell it. Again I brushed this off to "every child is different". During his Kindergarten year, he struggled a lot. He hated school already. He would cry. I would constantly email his teacher with concerns. The teacher was very young, maybe in her early 20's and denoted my son's behavior to him "acting out". I had repeatedly asked the teacher for advice and expressed my concerns for my son's development. Her response was "we do not address that in Kindergarten". So my son struggled his entire Kindergarten school year. I often cried because I did not know what to do for him. I would hold him, love on him, tell him how wonderful he was, encourage him to keep trying and remind him constantly that he is a great child. I did not know what else to do. By this time, I KNEW something was "wrong" but could not get any help. Everyone I brought my concerns up to, quickly dismissed them or made an excuse.

Finally my son's Kindergarten school year was over. I never felt so relieved for him. He was much happier in the summer time. Of course all children love summer break. But for a child who is struggling, it isn't simply about not doing homework or classwork or dealing with early wake up times. It is about being away from the environment where they are made to feel less than the rest of the students. It means some relief of the daily overwhelming anxiety that they feel but do not know how to express.

I dreaded my son going back to school. It actually was deeper than a dreadful feeling, I was depressed over it. I knew his struggles would begin again and for that I cried. I cried because I felt like that was nothing I could do. Imagine your child, your main existence in this world, struggling, hurting, crying almost daily and you feeling up against a wall and feeling that there is nothing you can do to fix it. Not only not being able to fix it, but sending your child back into the situation that is causing his pain, daily and having absolutely no control over it. It hurts, it hurts very badly. It takes a huge emotional toll on you as a parent and as a person. You begin questioning your parenting. I mean how can you be a parent and make your child go back daily to a atmosphere that is causing him anxiety and stress?

He began his first grade year and I will never forget his first day of class. The parents were allowed to stay half the day. I remember the teacher giving the class directions and my son just couldn't keep up. He couldn't understand. He couldn't follow the directions. The directions were very simple. "put your pencils in your desk, put your glue sticks in the basket on the desk, put your folders inside of your desk. He didn't seem to understand. So I stepped in and did everything for him. I remember when it was time for all of the parents to leave, I cried because I knew he was struggling and I just did not want to leave him alone but I had no other choice other than walking away. I wanted to take him and run out of the school, but by law I could not do that, he had to stay.

His first grade year was an even bigger struggle. He started becoming physical with people. His teacher was talking down to him, so he hit her in the face with his lunchbox. He would constantly get sent out of the class for not listening. He would get letters sent home by the teacher for not following directions on a daily basis. He would get reprimanded for hiding under his teacher's desk or for running out of the classroom and hiding in the bathroom.

This is when the school began what they call SST (Student Study Team) meetings. I met with the teacher, the SST coordinator, the special education coordinator, the school psychologist, the reading specialist and the Vice Principal attended one meeting. They discussed my son's challenges and came up with ideas to help him in the classroom. None of the ideas ever seemed to work. In fact when I brought up his anxiety about school and his insomnia, it was turned around on me as a parent. It had been suggested that something is going on at home causing my son his anxiety. It was even said that the constant noises that he made in school was a result of something at home, our choices for him, and we needed to make him stop. I knew his constant noises was a defense mechanism that he had absorbed in order to self sooth during stressful circumstances.

The school had determined themselves that my son had ADHD. The told me to take him to see his pediatrician. So that is what I did. After a 45 minute review, the pediatrician had determined my son had ADHD and should be on medication. I had refused to accept that. I knew that my child was struggling with more than just ADHD. I just knew everything I had seen was not due to just that one diagnosis.

At this point, when the school had started blaming my parenting as being the reasoning for my son's struggles, I finally started discussing outwardly with people around me, my worries. Someone had suggested that I have him evaluated by a well known organization. It took me multiple calls, a 3 hour wait on the phone and an hour intake process to be able to set up an appointment for him. When the appointment day came, we were there for 3-1/2 hours for the initial evaluation. My baby's struggles were due to not only ADHD, but a Neuro Disability, a learning disability but also a touch of Autism. The nuero disability was causing my son to not be able to process directions. He could not handle more than one direct direction at a time.

I then called the Vice Principal and had a conversation with her regarding my son's diagnosis. He is due to be placed into a classroom where there is a helper who is certified in special needs education. It has been a long, hard journey so far but we are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I have hope that this school year will be the best so far for him. I hope that my son is able to sleep and has a decreased anxiety about school.

I am so glad that I did not settle for what people had said. I am happy that even though I had these educated professionals telling me a diagnosis, that I went with my mother's instinct and kept pushing and fighting for my son. If I settled for what the school and the pediatrician had told me, my son would not be able to get the full opportunities that he needs and deserves.

Children with disabilities does not disable them, it enables them. It makes them extra special. They simply learn differently than other children. If you suspect there is something off about your child, please do not settle, fight and push. It is a long journey but it is worth it. It is worth it to see your child succeed in life.

10 Reasons Why I Married A Car Enthusiast

With all of my recent blogging,  my husband had suggested that I do a post about cars. I am not exactly sure that this is what he had in mind. However I post what comes to mind and this is what came to mind.

Sometimes men who have the hobby of dabbling with cars, are lucky enough to have a wife or girlfriend who will work along side of them, go to the race track,  drag race, and be so full of car knowledge. Although my husband is lucky in other areas to have me as his wife, he was not lucky in the car aspect.

I often complain about the grease left in the sink after he washes his hands, the tools left around the house and if you are married to a car enthusiast,  even if you deny it, you have had an engine in your house before. An engine just sitting there like a piece of furniture.  Or how about going to the grocery store with your hubby and ending up taking 2 hours because he seen a car enthusiast friend and they talk and talk about cars of which is a foreign language to you.

I never enlighten on the positive side to being married to a man who loves cars. So I have compiled a list of 10 reasons of why I am happy to have a husband who is very knowledgeable about cars.

1) Oil Changes- Oil changes to me are as tedious of a task as food shopping.  So I just let it go until the dinging on my truck annoys my husband and he either does it himself or he takes the truck to the dealership for me.

2) Weird Noises- This is usually how our conversations go with those "weird noises"......
Me: Honey there is a weird noise in the car.
Hubby: What does it sound like?
Me: I dont know, its just weird.
Hubby: Weird? As in what?
Me: Im not sure,  I never heard it before.
Hubby: ok. I will look at it tonight.

3) Car Cleanliness- I think washing my vehicle is up there on the list with oil changes.  Luckily since I am married to an anal car enthusiast,  he will give in and wash it for me because he can't stand one of our vehicles to look like that.

4) Benefits for Friends- Do you have a friend who's car is in need of work?  My response usually is "oh my hubby is fantastic with cars, I will have him look at it for you".

5) Windshield Wipers- That moment you realize your wipers are worn out. So you go home and tell your hubby "I cant see when it rains, please change them". I have never in my life yet personally bought or installed windshield wipers. I have had no need to. My step dad did it for me when I lived at home, and for 14 years my hubby has done it.

6) Nice Cars- You will rarely ever see a car enthusiast own a car that either looks yucky or is less than a 4 cylinder.  You can have a yucky car but you best believe under that hood is a gem and it surprises people that try to jump you at red lights. I have always have a nice vehicle while with my hubby.

7) Engine Work: Need new spark plugs? Why pay all of that money in labor costs for a shop to do it when your hubby can do it for free?   Which overall means since I saved on a mechanic, I now have money for that pair of shoes I have been wanting.

8) Car Shows: I have found in recent years that even though I absolutely dread my husband asking me to go to car shows with him, that there are other bored wives there as well. What this means for me is more business for my business.  I dress up my baby girl in a cute car shirt I made and let the "awes" begin.......and I hand out business cards too.

9) Dashboard Lights: We all hate those dashboard lights that come on when something needs to be fixed in the vehicle.  No problem........."Honey a light came on, go look at it please".

10) Gas: I saved the best for last! Gas, my hubby almost always, not by choice, pumps my gas for me. Isn't he sweet?

So there you have it, a list of 10 reasons I married my car enthusiast husband.

Dedicated to my husband. I love you. 

Why I started a blog

I like to answer questions that people often ask me about my blog. A handful of peopme have asked me why I started a blog and what do I hope to come from it.

I first noticed a love for writing when I was about 8-9 years old. My mother always tried to find unique ways to punish us for our misbehaviours.  One punishment that she started with me was to write an essay. I had to include what I did wrong, why I thought it was wrong, why I shouldn't do it and why I won't do it again. I remember being upset at first but then once I started writing, I absolutely loved it! I was finished my essay in no time flat. Needless to say, she stopped punishing me in that way because it ended up being an enjoyment to me.

When I was in high school English class, the teacher would occasionally give out essay assignments.  Everyone would be huffing and puffing and moaning under their breath because they hated it. I on the other hand was secretly excited about it and would start in my very next class.

Now as an adult I find that I post way too much on Facebook and my statuses at times are just entirely too long. So I decided to start a blog and see where it leads me.

I love blogging.  I really put heart and soul into my blog posts. It is hard to explain other than a passion that you feel inside of you.  Something inside that drives you and moves you. It just takes over and the words just seem to pour out.

I am receiving more hits to my blog than I thought I would at the beginning. I have people from other countries viewing my blog. I know not everyone is religious and the religious people all believe different things. I do have to say that I thank my God daily for blessing me with such a talent. I hope that he works through me and through my words to help other people. I want people to be encouraged by my posts. I want them to know that they are not alone.

Thank you everyone who has read my posts and continues to support me. It means more than anyone will ever know. I am sending much gratitude your way.

xoxo

Being Human.....

Too often people struggle with self identity. Even when you know what you want in life and feel happy there is still a small voice questioning your tactics. As I had stated in my previous post, I believe this is due to society'expectations of us. Society puts way too many specifics out there. Like the perfect way to parent, the perfect body, the perfect job,  the perfect marriage, if you are religious you have a certain expectation to uphold......all according to society.

Have you ever been called a hypocrite?  Or have you had another married couple diagnose your marriage as a failure? Or how about the all too famous "perfect parent" guidelines? 

I used to criticize myself for not staying home with my children and choosing a career. My marriage had problems, I feed my children fast food, I didnt breastfeed my son, I let my baby taste sweet tea, and wait for it.........I drank red wine occasionally.......... while pregnant......in a bar.

Going off of what I just stated you would think I am a horrible mother and wife. Reality is my husband and I have made it to almost 14 years and are stronger than ever, my children all belong to my husband, I make decent money to help provide a better life for my children, I didnt breast feed my son because I was scared of failing, I went to a bar with family for dinner complimented with a glass of wine.

A lot of times people just do not care to hear your full story in life, not that its any of their business really. But it still can be upsetting and make you feel less than because of the expectations and also people not caring to know your situation fully.

I have beat myself up so bad over the years for not being a stay at home mom to my 3 children,  I blame myself for my son's disabilities.  And even though I am an extremely positive person,  I have my bad days. I curse, I yell sometimes and God forgive me, I have used that devil of a middle finger a couple of times for my dreaded road rage (that one is a struggle for me lol). But afterwards I feel so horribly guilty that sometimes I cry. I cry because I want to help people not be angry. But truth is, WE ARE ALL HUMAN. We were designed to feel every emotion available to us. Anger, sadness, happiness, stress, etc.

In my years of self discovery,  I have come to realize that EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet. That married couple who talked down about my marriage, the wife would hide in the basement and smoke weed. The other married couple who put me down as a wife, has not slept in the same bedroom for many years. That mother who put me down for not breastfeeding,  goes out drinking every weekend and drops their child off with a babysitter. 

We are all human. Don't ever let anyone in this world make you feel like the life you have chosen is wrong. As long as your children are happy and cared for, follow your dreams, fight to accomplish your life goals and be happy! If we all stayed in the same position in life because we are afraid of standing out in life and going against what others would do, then we would never have some of the most amazingly famous people in history that we do. They took a path not taken, they swam against the current and they followed and accomplished their dreams.

You have just one life, don't waste it. There is a beauty in the world that I have discovered by taking my own path. It is a beauty that I never imagined. It was NOT easy. As a matter of fact the 2 years that I decided I needed to work on me were probably thee most difficult years of my entire life. But it was worth it and I would not change a thing.

So please do not pay attention to the critics. We are all human.  There is no perfect marriage, there is no perfect parent, religious people have bad days and we all will eventually "fail" at something. But failure is just a learning experience and bad days make us stronger. Life is full of trial and error and learning lessons. Learn from these moments, take it in, stand out, love yourself, free yourself and you will reach an amazing moment in life that you never thought you could.

Xoxo

The Invisible Hell

Sometimes, it is really weird the way "inspiration" for writing comes to me. I can't just pick up my laptop and start typing. It just hits me and I feel deeply about a topic and I open the laptop and let my fingers roll. Well I just found out that one of my favorite actors has died. He has apparently committed suicide. Quickly, my own life long struggles with depression came flooding back. The memories of the pain, the suffering, the "I'm so alone" feeling.

I don't normally discuss extremely personal topics online. However, in this case, I feel like if I can lift up just one person suffering from this illness, then talking about my personal journey is worth putting it out there.

I remember the feeling of sadness for no obvious reasoning behind it, at a young age. I didn't know what was wrong, I was just sad and would cry for absolutely no reason. I remember the feeling starting around age 10. It wasn't a "normal" sadness, like I am punished, or I can't have ice cream type of sad. I would literally start crying out of the blue because I just simply felt sad.

As I got older,I felt very angry towards life. Again, I don't know why. I felt down a lot. Don't get me wrong, my mother provided me with a decent life. She gave my brother and I what she could. There were a lot of happy moments. But what non depression sufferers don't understand, is having a "happy" life really has nothing to do with depression and how we feel.

Depression is an inner pain, almost like you have the flu but inside of your soul. You ache so bad inside but do not want people to know. I felt so embarrassed to tell anyone. I remember so many times over the years just laying in bed and crying and wishing I would not wake up the next day. When I was 16, I attempted suicide. I took probably about 75 ibeprofin pills. Luckily, it just made me vomit excessively and did no damage to my body........and I survived.

I never knew how to explain how I felt. I was just simply "sick" inside. I hurt for no reason, I cried for no reason. After I gave birth to my first child, I suffered from what is called "Post Partum Depression". I was young and had absolutely no clue what was "wrong" with me. I HATED life and I HATED people. The only love I felt was for my baby.

I did not actually seek professional long term help until I was 29. I suffered for 19 years of depression. I did not understand what was happening to me. I couldn't tell anyone because I didn't know how to explain it and when I could I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to say that I hated myself, that I hated life, that at times I wish I would have died. It is an illness that a lot of people may not even know they are suffering from. I know I didn't even know I was suffering from it for the longest time. I just "coped" and floated along in life.

When I was 29, I had finally said something to my primary care doctor. I remember telling him I am just sad and that some days I cannot deal with life. He prescribed me a medicine that actually helped a good amount. Eventually my husband and I both went to therapy together for close to 2 years and I am still on medication.

Life doesn't have to be sad. You do NOT have to hurt or suffer from this debilitating disease. There is hope and there is help. I know for so many years, I did not know what was going on. I felt ashamed. Some people I believe do not seek help for the same reasoning I didn't. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to be made fun of for having to be on medication or to go see a "shrink". Society gives us an expectation of how we "should" or "need" to be. People are made to feel like if they do not meet those expectations of what "normal" is, then they will be branded, put down, disliked, etc.

I am a firm believer of mental health therapy and medications for mental health diagnosis. The two combined do an amazing wonder for a person. They have worked magic in my life. I do not ever remember being this happy in life. My sadness had nothing to do with how I was raised. My mother was a great mother to us. I don't know why I suffer from Chronic Depression. But there is help and I promise you, the help is worth it. Seeking help has opened up opportunities for myself that I could have never imagined. I have confidence in myself. I have courage to go for what I want in life, to take chances. I would have never been able to do that in the past.

So as I bring this post to a close, please if you are feeling ill inside, seek help. You are not any less of a person for seeking the help and you are not alone. There is so much out there for this illness, to fight it. There is no need to suffer the pain that I did for so long. Please seek help.

As for everyone else who is blessed enough to not have to go through this, please be mindful of your actions towards other people. Most people you cannot even tell by looking at them, that something is wrong with them. Depression is considered one of the "Invisible Disabilities". You cannot see it and the suffering person may look very happy but may be going through a great battle inside of themselves. Please choose your words kindly.

If you are a family member or friend of someone who you suspect of suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, please please seek help for them. Some are not as strong as I was and wouldn't seek help on their own. There are organizations and medical facilities that you can contact as a concerned family member or friend, who will intervene and help.

Suicide is preventable and Depression is treatable. Please take the steps. Life is so beautiful and everyone has the power to enjoy it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Open 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week

What is in a name?

Life Inspired x3 (Where's My Chauffeur?), has only been up for a little under a week. But I have had a lot of people asking how I came up with the name. So I wanted to dedicate a post to answer that question. Life Inspired x3 is about my children. They each have taught me something different in life. They are my main inspiration in anything and everything that I do. I strive each day to be better than I was the day before because of my children. I strive to make something of my life and to show them the right way to live by being a good, strong role model to them. My oldest, my first born daughter who is 12 years old, is extremely special to me. She made me a mother. I learned from her the importance of life is not in friends or materialistic items, but in life and love. I gave birth at the young age of 20. It was not easy but it was worth it. I grew up very fast and she helped me to mature into a young woman. Even though she is now independent and does not need me for much anymore, she has a profound amount of love for me. She is constantly showing me affection and caring for others. My second child, my only son, is a week shy of 7 years old. My special boy has been through so much, and life in his short 7 years has not been easy. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, a neuro disability, a processing disorder, a learning disability, extreme anxiety and possibly a touch of autism. Raising my baby boy has been a learning experience in itself for me. He has taught me so much about life and he has also taught me patience, which was definitely not my strong asset prior to his diagnosing. I have found his teaching me to be patient has taught me great patience outside of our home as well. He has taught me to stand up for what I feel and believe and to be stern to fight for what is needed in life to survive. My sweet sweet baby girl is a few months shy of her first birthday. This little angel is such an amazing baby. When I thought there wasn't anymore to learn about parenting or life, she came along and surprised us. She is our miracle baby. No she did not have any complications. She is my miracle baby because she has taught me that no matter how much you love people and life, there is an even deeper love that you can find within your soul. I call her my flower child. I have a special connection with her and although she was a surprise baby, I could never imagine my life without her presence. I can just feel in my soul that she is here to do great wonders for this world. While you are raising your children to be respectable adults and teaching them about life, if you pay close attention, you will find they are returning that to you by teaching you about life. The smallest of children, even babies who cannot yet speak, have a way of teaching us if you open yourself and pay attention. Next is "Where's My Chauffeur?". This one actually makes me giggle some. This is all about how hard we work in life as parents and just in general. I myself have a very busy life and home. I work a full time job, am a mother of 3 beautiful children, I sell canvas paintings in my spare time and I started blogging to hopefully help inspire others with my love of writing. On the day that I was sitting at my desk, trying to come up with a name for my blog, this hit me and I laughed and laughed. The first thing that came to mind is working so hard in life but yet being labeled middle class still. You see in movies through your life that if you work hard, you become rich, you have a butler, a maid, a nanny, a cook........and a chauffeur. BUT that's not really how it is in the real world for most people. If we work our bums off, we may not all become rich monetarily, but we will be rich in happiness. I love my family, I love my job, I love my talents, I love my life...........even without my Chauffeur. "Happiness is not in money or possessions but in the love and family around us and with the accomplishments of the goals we set for ourselves"

Change for yourself, not everyone else. `

Changes come as a part of life on a daily basis. There are changes all around us. We change our clothes, change our shoes, jewelry, hairstyle. Road work makes us change our route to work, school or to the store. We change radio stations and t.v. stations. Sometimes we are forced to make larger changes like employment, houses, cars, relationship status, etc. Sometimes changes are easy but sometimes making a decision to change can also be difficult. I have found in life that changes against our will is life's way of guiding us to where we need to be in life. Not many people know that I was once fired from a job. I was employed by a family member and due to family issues, this family member called me and told me not to come back. I was devastated. I wasn't devastated that I no longer had a job, but the fact that I was fired. I had never been fired before. I worried so much day and night about this going onto my work history. Every job that I had interviewed for, I was terrified that they would ask why I had left my previous job. Some asked, some didn't. I had worried myself to the point of sickness over this. I ended up being offered a position by a large, well known corporate company, who had offered me a substantial pay increase, an outstanding increase in vacation time, and the best medical insurance that I had ever had. I remember being on cloud 9. Within a matter of months of my hire date, my entire demeanor had changed. This was such a great turning point in my life for not only myself but my family as well. It was then that I realized that our most upsetting moments, could actually become a blessing in disguise. Sometimes people will set out to force a change on you, that you may not want. Obviously some changes are out of our control. For instance, the story about my change in employment. But sometimes there are people who will expect changes of you for their own personal gain, not yours. Everyone could benefit from some minor adjustments in life regardless of your situation. But that is only if the change is of your free will. If someone truly loves you, they will love you for who you are, not for what they want you to be. Your changes need to be from your heart and of your free will, not because they were forced on you. If your changes are not from your heart, I can guarantee you will not be happy in life. The change has to be from your soul and something that you are passionate about. Your true friends will support you and your family will still love you. We are all unique individuals and each of us has a reasoning to be here. Nobody should ever expect you to change. Each of us has the power to do amazing things in our lifetime. BUT, only if it is our passion and our own personal choice. If you change to please someone else, you alter the road that you are meant to be on. Let your life changes come from your heart. Or let the changes come from life guiding you. Sit back and listen to everything around you. Life has an amazing way of teaching us lessons if we listen closely and open ourselves up. But by changing yourself for someone else, you will not be able to listen to the lessons being taught. Be a strong individual who stands out. It may be difficult at first, I have definitely been there. I have lost A LOT of "friends" along the way. But, I have found some wonderful people that I not only call friends, but I call them my family. They support me in everything I do, they love me for WHO I AM. They do NOT expect me to change, the do NOT want me to change. Be who you are meant to be. Talk and act from your heart. BE YOU! You may surprise yourself at how amazing you can be, I know I did. "You are an amazing person, encourage your own personal changes, not everyone else's changes for you."

To Tell A Lie

Everyone on land or sea of this planet has experienced being lied to. I have often pondered on this topic. I often wondered why people feel the need to lie. I could never understand it.

I have been in contact with someone for 14 years who I eventually removed from my children's lives for the main reason of lieing. I did not want my children confused. Their father and I punish them for lieing, however this other adult lies with no consequences. 

Even after removing this person from our lives, she continues to lie about my family. So I couldn't help to wonder even deeper of why do people lie. Especially people who have everything in life that they want. They are healthy, their children are healthy. I even thought I was doing something wrong and questioned myself. 
I am a deep thinker.  So I began doing some online research about this topic. Thanks the Wikipedia,  I have realized that the person lieing was at absolutely no fault of mine or my family. In actuality, lieing is a undiagnosed mental illness. There is no treatment for it due to no actual medical diagnosis yet in the medical books for it. But lieing is a symptom of a handful of different mental illnesses that are in fact in the medical books.

Now that we know that, the question still remains of "why do people lie?" Upon further research, it is said that people lie because they personally feel less than others. They may or may not realize they are lieing. They also may actually believe their own lies. This ties in with the  undiagnosed mental illness.

Some people are not complete without power over others. So these sick individuals will lie for the personal gain of feeling like they have that power over someone.  Which made the light go off. I realized this is why no matter how many materialistic items that a person owns in life,  they still have that inner sadness and some also lie.

The point to all of this you ask? If you have a person like this in your life, dont allow them to discourage you because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  Cope with them the best way possible without allowing them to discourage you, even if it means discontinuing any contact with them.

The Voice Within

I encounter a lot of people daily. Those people are very different physically and mentally.  I talk to men, women, young, old, white, black, korean, Philippine,  short, tall, skinny, heavy, happy, sad, etc. types of people. But one thing I notice in most of the people I encounter is doubt,  low self confidence,  little trust in their decisions.

I used to be that person.  I was shy, relied on my husband and mother to make decisions for me. Not one decision was made on my own without asking someone first. To be sure I had someone's approval meant that my decision would be accepted and less chance of failure. 

Do you know how ridiculous this sounds? But its the truth. I had zero confidence in myself.  Confidence isn't just about looks. Its about that tiny voice within you that needs to say "I know I can do this".

Failure is a part of life. It is how we learn. Failure is not a bad thing. Failure shows us what doesn't work so we can simply go at it in a different direction. 

We are all capable of obtaining our wants, needs and dreams in life. Dont let that voice hold you back. Make that negative voice within leave you. Invite in positive thinking.  Just one positive thought a day will change you. Will give you the confidence you need.

Remember,  start with one positive thought a day.

"I am capable of anything I set my mind to."

Introduction

Hello, and welcome to Life Inspired x3 (Where's My Chauffeur).  I would like to use my first post to tell my readers a little about myself.

My name is Jennifer.  I am married and my husband and I have 3 children together.  Our oldest daughter is 12 years old, our son is 7 years old and our baby girl is almost a year old.  Our family also has 2 dogs, Shane and Caesar.

Outside of writing, I work out of the home full-time for a large medical corporation.  It is a Monday through Friday 9-5 type of job.  Our home is very hectic as we lead busy lives.  I find it important though, to have personal time.  Let’s admit it, even the best of us tend to fight off the little white jacket and padded room occasionally.  So in order to stay sane and keep my brain fresh, I have a passion for painting and for writing.

I can imagine somewhere out there, there is another woman or man who is in the same boat as myself with life. You know, the kids, work, house, chores, bills, stressful but fulfilling type of life.  So this is the reason I have created Life Inspired x3 blog.  I hope that someone out there will read my blogs and relate, and know that they are not alone.  I hope to inspire someone and to even create a few smiles for people.

Hopefully I have caught your attention and you will remain around long enough to see some future, more interesting posts of mine.  If there is a specific topic that you would like me to post about, or if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me.